


The Gang Meets Charlie's Sister

by iasipspec



Series: IASIPspec [2]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: D.E.N.N.I.S. method, Dennis Returns, Dennis Reynolds being creepy, Fails Miserably, Gen, Post-Season 12, Screenplay/Script Format, Status Quo is God, but there's an attempt made, fan episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 17:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10495938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: When Charlie’s half-sister arrives at Paddy’s Pub looking for a job, the gang’s reactions run the gamut; From Dennis attempting to pull his famous system on her to Mac convinced she’s an impostor, will she be able to so much as tolerate her new coworkers?[ IASIPspec. Season 13, episode one. ]





	

**Author's Note:**

> After a very positive reaction to our prequel one-shot, here comes the first episode of IASIPspec! Yay! The rest of the episodes are going to attempt to follow as closely to series format as possible. If you wanna shoot us heartfelt messages, adoring letters, or otherwise contact us, our official tumblr is iasipspec.tumblr.com. This episode was written by Daisy. Enjoy!

**SEASON 13, EPISODE 1**

**WRITTEN BY DAISY**

 

**SCENE 1:**

 

**“11:33AM** **  
** **ON A WEDNESDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**Over titles, we hear water, a mirror cabinet closing.**

**Perhaps some pills and etc rattling. The song begins.**

 

**CUT TO: Split screen, two different rooms.**

**Some bullshit 80s song is playing so everyone knows this is a reference to cliche cinema or Mean Girls or something. The song is “Sympathy for the Devil.” Ignore the lyrics. It has a vibe. Ask the directors of “Secret Lives of Pets.” They get it.**

 

**On the LEFT is a woman’s bathroom, with a wide mirror, and a countertop cluttered with products. We see her reflection as she brushes her teeth. Her teeth are clean and white.**

**On the RIGHT we see CHARLIE in his nonfunctional bathroom. His reflection picks dried white glue from his beard. When CHARLOTTE begins brushing her teeth, CHARLIE picks paint from in between his teeth.**

 

**THEY ARE PARALLELING EACH OTHER.**

 

**Charlotte turns of the light in her bathroom, Charlie does as well. Both screens go black momentarily, but then pick up in MAIN APARTMENT. We see Charlotte’s clean but very small apartment, we see a small tv, a nice computer, etc. Basically it’s the complete opposite of Charlie and Frank’s shithole. We see Charlotte greet her nice roommate. We see Frank picking his toe. Why isn’t he already at the bar? Do you think he’s scheming?**

 

**Charlotte makes some water, takes her medication.**

**Charlie drops a rag in a paper bag and huffs. He takes it with him.**

 

**CUT TO: EXTERIOR.**

**It’s a nice day. It’s sunny (in Philadelphia).**

**We see the contrast between the neighborhoods. We see a friendly older gentleman in a red sweater wave at Charlotte. She waves back. Charlotte seems to literally live in Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. Charlie on the other hand, waves at a homeless guy, and the guy throws a bottle at him. Charlie laughs as if to say “Oh, you rascal!”**

 

**CUT TO:**

**Theme, Intro.**

 

**SCENE 2:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DENNIS is behind the bar, MAC and DEE are on the other side. Dennis is “cleaning” glasses, but the dish towel is obviously dry, and the glass looks pretty nasty. He’s just spreading around the filth. How does Paddy’s have a 5 star rating from the NY Department of Health again?**

 

**ENTER: CHARLIE**

**CHARLIE ENTERS. IT REMINDS US OF MAC’S “I have news!” THING.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Guys! Guys!! Listen. Okay my sister is coming today and -

 

**MAC**

**(Charlie is still talking)**

You have a sister?

 

**CHARLIE**

I need you to - what?

 

**MAC**

You have a sister? Since when?

 

**DENNIS**

**(Still committing egregious health code violations)**

Who knows? His mom’s a hooker, so it could have happened at any time.

 

**CHARLIE**

First of all, my mom is not a _hooker_ , okay? And I literally told you guys about her like 2 weeks ago! She found Paddy’s on Facebook and we met up. I told you guys all about it?

 

**DEE**

Charlie at this point you should really know that we listen to you like, less than 50% of the time.

 

**MAC**

Honestly it’s more like 20% of the time.

 

**CHARLIE**

Okay great thanks for that but the point is she’s coming here and I want to set up some ground rules or something. Like, Dennis, don’t hit on her.

 

**DENNIS**

Can’t help it Charlie. Women are drawn to me. They fall into my presence like a gravitational field. When something happens, you will not be able to stop it. Women’s lust for me is an unstoppable force.

 

**CHARLIE**

Don’t talk about lust in reference to my sister dude. Just don’t fuck her. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. It is physically possible to not fuck someone.

 

**DEE**

Okay, like besides Dennis keeping it in his pants what else could you want, Charlie. We’re not going to like, tie her up in the basement and interrogate her about Kelly family secrets or anything.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(astonished)**

Why would you even say that??

**(Pause. Continues)**

Whatever. Like, can we at least try to tone it down a little? Just today? Like no discussion of zip ties and no racist impressions? Maybe don’t show her Lethal Weapon Six yet? She isn’t ready for that.

 

**MAC**

No one’s ever ready for art, Charlie.

 

**DENNIS**

Why is she even coming? If you’re so afraid of us embarrassing you why are you having her come to the bar?

  


**CHARLIE**

Okay first of all I didn’t invite her. She asked if she could see the bar and I said okay, because I thought maybe we could keep it together for like five seconds but it turns out she just moved to Philly and she’s looking to get like, settled or something.

 

**DEE**

If she wants to work here she can have my job. I hate waitressing. No one ever gives me any tips.

  


**DENNIS**

That’s because you don’t do your job but sure if you want to quit we can replace you, sis.

 

**DEE**

I do so work?? I’m the face of this bar. I’m the entertaining fun waitress, you know, the funny girl. I make Paddy’s the bar it is.

 

**MAC**

Dee, people come here to drown out their sorrows. If anything you’re just making that worse with your shitty jokes.

 

**DEE**

My jokes are funny! They bang, guys. I’m the resident comedienne!

 

**MAC**

If you get a laugh out of anyone it’s a pity laugh, or they’re laughing at you.

 

**DEE**

What you think the girls that come here don’t laugh at you?? I would like to see one of you do my job. Waitressing is hard work, and add comedy on top of it and it’s getting pretty stressful.

 

**MAC**

You think I couldn’t handle _waitressing_? You’re on bitch! I’ll rake in triple the tips you get. And I’ll do it with a smile.

 

**DEE**

Three times zero is still zero, Ronald!! Good luck! And y-

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Steadily increasing in volume, shrillness. And they call Dee a bird.)**

Oh my God this doesn’t have to do with anything!! Can we just for once focus on the task at hand? Can you guys promise you won’t try to threaten to rape or kidnap my sister or some crazy shit-

 

**CUT TO: CHARLOTTE IN THE DOORWAY,** **MAKING AN** **AWKWARD FACE**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Paddy’s Pub?

 

**CLOSE UP: CHARLIE.**

**Pursed lips. He’s already broken his own ground rules: no say weird shit.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(Smug, definitely acting sociable.)**

Yup! Welcome to Paddy’s!

**(Terrible smile. Mouths to Charlie)**

I’m gonna fuck your sister.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Angry, mouthing)**

Don’t fuck my sister!

 

**DENNIS**

**(mouthing, still smug)**

Try to stop me bitch.

**(To Charlotte, flirtatiously. He’s trying to sound like an intellectual. He sounds like a neckbeard.)**

And who might you be?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Having none of it)**

Uh. Charlotte.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Happy now)**

Sis!! Hey!!!

 

**Charlie runs to her, hugs her. She’s shocked by the smell.**

 

**CHARLOTTE** **  
** **(Experiencing true shock. This place is a shithole.)**

Hey Charlie..! How are you!

 

**We see her subtly disgusted face over his shoulder. The smell. The grimy bar. The health code violation in Dennis’s hand. Where is she. She was just talking to Mr. Rogers.**

 

**DEE**

Hold up - your name is Charlie… and she’s Charlotte??

 

**BOTH nod. Charlotte’s face looks like she’s explained this 400+ times. Charlie’s says “Why wouldn’t we have the same name? Use your brain, Dee.”**

 

**BOTH**

Yeah.

 

**MAC**

How does that work? Like at all? How does that even happen?

 

**CHARLIE**

We’re half siblings. My mom’s spiteful about my dad.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dad didn’t know about him, and I guess he just really likes variations on the name Charles.

 

**DENNIS**

**(Still flirtatiously. It’s getting obnoxious dude.)**

So, I understand you’d like a job? You’d like to work with..us.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Creeped out)**

Uh...yeah. I got fired from my office job back in Jersey. I was a secretary. It was a weird time.

 

**DENNIS**

**(Demonstrating Value)**

That’s a shame. If you want you can be a bartender with me.

**(Winks)**

 

**Charlotte shoots him a look. The glare could kill a man. Luckily Dennis is already dead inside, or else they’d have yet another death on their property.**

 

**DEE**

**(Trying desperately to be charming)**

But don’t you want to be a waitress! We get SO much in tips here. It’s like I’m not even working! Haha!!

 

**Dee really wants someone to take all her work. Even though she rarely does her work.**

 

**CLOSE UP: CHARLOTTE’S FACE.**

**She’s smiling tensely. Her mouth says “It’s all good!” but her eyes say that she’s seen a warzone, seen humanity at its absolute worst. She’s made a terrible mistake.**

 

**SCENE 3:**

**INT: CHARLIE AND FRANK’S APT - DAY**

 

**F** **rank** **RANK** **is passed out on the futon. His toe knife clutched in his fat claw of a goblin hand. His phone rings. It’s a burner. It startles him awake. It’s like he was dead and someone just punched his heart into beating again. He picks up the phone.**

 

**FRANK**

What is it?

 

**We hear nothing. We see only Frank’s expression.**

**It goes from “Why did you wake me up?” to “How did you let me go this long without telling me?”.**

 

**FRANK**

What do you mean it “fell through?”

**(Pauses)**

Make it work then!! Figure it out!

**(Sighs. Begins picking at his toe.)**  


**SCENE 4:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**F** **RANK** **Has joined the gang at the bar. He sits at the bar. Dennis is behind the bar, leaning on it. They are watching the Charlies. They’re laughing about something at the booth Charlie is fixing. Charlotte is holding the tabletop while Charlie sits under it doing something with it. We aren’t sure what he’s doing. Do we ever?**

 

**FRANK**

**(squinting, perplexed)**

Who’s the broad?

 

**DENNIS**

Charlie’s sister.

 

**FRANK**

Oh shit!! You tellin’ me I might have two?!

 

**DENNIS**

**(dismissive)**

Chill out Frank. It’s all already solved. You aren’t even Charlie’s dad. It’s some other dude who fucked Mrs. Kelly. And then fucked some other chick and made Charlie’s sister who is also named Charlotte.

 

**FRANK**

Oh, that’s good.

 

**DENNIS**

**(To himself, but it’s clear he wants it paid attention to)**

God she’s hot.

 

**FRANK**

**(Disgusted)**

What? She looks just like Charlie! You wanna fuck Charlie??

 

**DENNIS**

Charlotte and Charlie are not the same, Frank. You couldn’t DENNIS Charles Kelly. He’s too fixated on the waitress. It would never work on him. But _Charlotte Kennedy_ , I can read her like a book. She’s prime DENNIS material.

 

**CLOSE UP: CHARLOTTE.**

**She’s under the microscope, and has no idea. We see her smile as she laughs at something, her hair as she casually puts it up.**

  


**DENNIS (cont’d)**

Look at her. Her hair is frizzy - one of her defining features. It’s thick, ratty almost. And no makeup, either. Clearly she’s stopped trying. She dresses casually, and not too femininely. She’s not used to attention from men, or perhaps she’s had one too many _boys_. She’s wearing a tight top today, and I can’t see an underwire - she’s wearing a sports bra. Again, she isn’t trying to impress. I show interest in her when she’s looking like a mess, and I’ll be demonstrating some real value, some real sensitivity. I engage physically, getting her laughing, I’ll touch her hand, or shoulder maybe. The rest is history, Frank. It’s just that simple.

 

**FRANK**

**(silently burps)**

Or she’s a dyke.

 

**DENNIS**

**(getting angry)**

She’s not a lesbian Frank!! Jesus Christ I’m not stupid, man!

 

**Obviously he is. Little does he know his own sister is in the closet. And when she and Mac hang out, it’s true gay solidarity. Friends that are (or, in Mac's case, _were_ ) closeted together, stay together.**  


**SCENE 5:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**Mac and Dee are drinking. We aren’t surprised by this. Mac is sitting on some crates as Dee stacks cans on a serving tray.**

 

**MAC**

I don’t know about you Dee, but I don’t trust this “Charlotte Kennedy.”

 

**DEE**

Oh my God.

 

**MAC**

Okay, here me out dude. First off? They’re both named Charlie? Sounds unrealistic.  
  


**DEE**

That’s all you have to go off of? Mac, you know Charlie right. This isn’t unrealistic for the Charlie’s family at all.

 

**MAC**

It’s not just the names, okay! But you have to admit it’s suspicious. But like, they don’t even look alike?? You and Dennis at least look alike. I don’t buy they’re even related.

 

**DEE**

Okay first of all, they aren’t twins, they’re half-siblings. Second of all, they _do_ look alike?? They look like they could be twins, Mac. What are you even talking about?

 

**MAC**

God, I just don’t trust her, okay? I can’t explain it. Jesus Christ I thought you would just go along with me but apparently you can’t go along with anything. God you’re such a bitch.

 

**DEE**

Just when I thought we were getting somewhere with the whole ‘closeted solidarity’ thing but like whatever, I guess. Why don’t you trust her. What could she possibly have to gain from tricking Charlie? She can’t steal his identity, he has no credit, he has no money, he has literally nothing except his like 2 shares in the bar.

 

**MAC**

I don’t know! Maybe he’s keeping something from us. Maybe he’s scheming.

 

**DEE**

Do you just like, not trust new people on principle or something? Literally every time someone new shows up, you’re like,

**(imitating Mac now)**

“Oh, I don’t don’t trust him! He’s out for my shit!” Or, if you feel like acting selfless, you’ll act like you’re looking out for us. When literally no one would ever try to scam us because we have literally nothing valuable except the bar, which isn’t valuable at all.

 

**MAC**

That’s not true! I just don’t trust her Dee. Look at her when she talks to you. She has shifty eyes!

 

**DEE**

_Charlie_ has shifty eyes. Charlotte has pretty eyes. She seems trustworthy. You know what I think it is?

 

**Mac is silent. He narrows his eyes. If anyone in the gang has shifty eyes it’s him. They are godless.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

**(Smug, clearly laughing at him internally.**

**You can see it in her bird eyes.)**

I think you’re jealous. No one’s giving you any attention. Charlie has a sibling to talk to, Frank’s scheming, Dennis is working the system on _her_ …

 

**MAC**

Don’t be ridiculous, Dee. Jealousy isn’t badass at all. Does “thou shalt not covet” ring a bell to you, you godless heathen?? Didn’t think so.

 

**Dee is so tired. So unbelievably tired.**

 

**SCENE 6:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**Charlie is sitting in the office. A mop is leaning against the chair next to him, in a lazy attempt to look like he was working. The truth is Frank downloaded Tetris on the computer and of course he’s obsessed now, but what else did you expect. He hasn’t made it past level one. But to be fair, neither have I. It’s honestly kind of sad.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Hitting the ancient arrow keys desperately)**

No, no...no, no-

 

**He hears a noise. A thunk, and then a scream. It sounds terrified. It’s not a shrill squawk though, so it obviously isn’t Dee. He looks up for a moment, and just then we hear the bittersweet sound of Tetris failure. Game over, Charlie!**

 

**CHARLIE**

Dammit **.**  


**CHARLOTTE**

**(Out in the bar - frazzled)**

Charlie??

 

**CHARLIE**

Office.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Enters)**

Why are there....items in the basement?

 

**Charlie has gone back to level one Tetris and doesn’t look at her. He’s already got holes. Wait, are we trying for holes? Has he cracked it? What is the point of Tetris again?**

 

**CHARLIE**

Which “items” are you talking about? We keep a lot of shit down there.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

The bondage stuff?? Would I be asking about anything else??

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh yeah, that’d be Dennis.

 

**Charlotte doesn’t say anything. She’s looking at him like he’s crazy. And let’s be real, everyone in this shithole is.**

 

**CHARLIE (CONT’D)**

Don’t look at me like that dude!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

There are zip ties and duct tape. That’s what I’m talking about. Why does Dennis just have a pile of that shit near a nasty looking mattress?

 

**CHARLIE**

Well, the mattress is a long story but yeah that shit is his...tools.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(small voice)**

...Tools?

 

**CHARLIE**

**(nonchalantly)**

Yeah?

 

**Charlie goes back to the game. He’s had about 6 game overs since the beginning of this conversation. But I mean me too. He isn’t paying attention anymore. That happens when you’ve got the attention span of an actual fly.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

His tools for what exactly?? Charlie???

 

**Dennis has appeared suddenly behind her. He’s leaning against the doorframe, casually, as if he’s been there the whole time.**

 

**DENNIS**

Found my paraphernalia, huh?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(startled)**

When did you get there??

 

**DENNIS**

Heard you guys talking about me.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Believe me, we were not talking about you.

 

**DENNIS**

You mentioned my stuff. What, you interested?

 

**Charlotte and Charlie make the same repulsed face.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

You kinky?

 

**CHARLIE**

**(disgusted)**

Dude c’mon. Don’t do this. At least don’t pull your kinkster shit on her in front of me. C’mon.

 

**Dennis rolls his eyes.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(to Charlotte)**

You into it though?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Am I into what? Dungeon sex?

 

**DENNIS**

**(scoffing)**

When you put it that way it sounds weird.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

That’s because it is weird? You have a grungy mattress in a basement?

 

**DENNIS**

It’s a stormcellar. Did Charlie not tell you the story?

 

**Charlie grunts.**

 

**DENNIS**

See, you can’t understand it unless you have all the details. See it all started back in 1998 when -

 

**The image begins to ripple like a flashback effect. It’s promptly cut off by Charlotte interrupting Dennis’s attempted flashback.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I don’t care about the story behind your sex dungeon dude?

 

**DENNIS**

But you won’t get it, Charley! You won’t understand…

 

**Yes, now is the time. Engage Physically. He touches her shoulder. In a friendly way. A friendly way with... _implications_.**

 

**Charlotte looks creeped out.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(lifting his hands in a surrendering fashion)**

Okay dude if you’re going to do this, I’m out! See ya later Charley! You’re on your own dude! Sorry!

 

**Charlie exits, muttering about the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, and about how it’s namesake literally does not know how to stop.**

 

**SCENE 7:**

**INT: PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT**

 

**Frank is dressed in a trenchcoat and has a fedora on. He looks like a character straight out of** **_The Sopranos_ ** **. He’s waiting for something...or someone. But what? Or who?**

 

**FRANK**

**(V.O.)**

Dammit...I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. This is going to go south. Shit.

 

**Footsteps. His rendezvous has arrived. He is dressed in all black, and is obscured by shadows.**

 

**FRANK**

You showed.

 

**MAN IN BLACK**

**(in a deep, gravelly voice)**

Of course I did, Frankie.

 

**FRANK**

No...you don’t call me Frankie....only my friends call me that.

 

**MAN IN BLACK**

What, are we not friends?

 

**FRANK**

**(dramatically)**

Friends trust each other…

 

**MAN IN BLACK**

Trust me, Frank. I’ll get it done.

 

**FRANK**

Make sure no one can find out. This doesn’t get out, pal. If anyone looks like they’re going to squeal…

 

**Frank makes a slicing motion in front of his neck.**

 

**MAN IN BLACK**

**(voice cracking)**

Wait, are you serious? Man, I’m just in this for the money, I can’t be killing people! I’m just a guy from Hoboken, man! Shit!

 

**FRANK**

No, I’m not serious! Are you crazy? Just make sure none of them know anything!! I don’t want any damn whistleblowers, Tommy!

  


**SCENE 8:**

**INT: PADDY’S BACK ALLEY - DAY**

 

**Dee and Mac are out back. Dee is throwing garbage into the dumpster, and Mac is. Well, he sure is there. For some reason. To be specific he’s trying to look like he’s just casually looking into the bar through the grimy window.**

 

**MAC**

I’m tellin’ you, Dee, I don’t trust her.

 

**DEE**

And I’m telling you, Mac, you’re crazy. I like her. She’s nice. And cute. She’s like a easy-going Charlie with an inside voice. I could get used to her.

 

**MAC**

You don’t get it, Dee. I know she’s scamming us. I mean, a bartender? Really?

 

**DEE**

What’s wrong with her being a bartender?

 

**MAC**

Um?? Everything?!

 

**DEE**

Oh my God, whatever Mac. You’re just jealous that Dennis is trying to get with her.

 

**MAC**

No I’m not! The D.E.N.N.I.S. system won’t work on her, anyways.

 

**DEE**

I hope not.

 

**Mac looks at her a moment, and has an idea. You can see it in his face. His eyes are shining with the glitter of a terrible idea. A terrible idea that he naturally thinks is the most brilliant idea ever.**

 

**MAC**

Dee, I know you don’t believe me about Charlotte, but I wanna figure out her deal. I can already tell you don’t want Dennis D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing our new co worker. We can team up. You stop the system, I get the dirt.

 

**Dee looks skeptical. Does he really think she gives that much of a shit about the D.E.N.N.I.S. system? Dennis has been pulling this shit since high school!**

 

**MAC**

Come on Dee! We could waltz in there, investigate, bother Dennis. Mess up his flow. It’s fun, trust me, I’ve done it about a million times.

 

**Dee isn’t fooled. She knows exactly what he’s doing. She glances in through the grimy window, and sees Dennis still putting the moves on  Charlotte. She hasn’t had this opportunity in a long time.**

 

**The opportunity to fuck with Dennis’s game.**

 

**The opportunity doesn’t present itself very often.**

 

**She’s in.**

 

**DEE**

I’m in.

 

**CUT TO: Dennis and Charlotte at the bar.**

 

**Charlotte is behind the bar, getting acquainted with the equipment. She’s having fun, but Dennis keeps ruining it by talking. He’s sitting on the other side, trying DESPERATELY to make progress in the “flirting” department. Charlotte is clearly having none of it. But hey, persistence right?**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(mostly to herself)**

Soda gun...signature brand name brews...lemons...

 

**DENNIS**

**(working his “charms”)**

Speaking of drinks, wanna grab some?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m working as a bartender.

 

**Dennis raises one eyebrow. So what?**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

At your bar.

 

**Still, nothing.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

So _no_.

 

**DENNIS**

C’mon Charlotte. It’ll be fun.

 

**Mac and Dee suddenly sidle into the frame on either side of Dennis. They have mischievous glints in their eyes. Dee is resting her chin on her fist, feigning both innocence and a casual air.**

 

**MAC**

Dennis. Charlotte.

 

**DEE**

What’s up... _boners_.

 

**The look on Dennis’s face says it all.**

**He knows exactly what’s coming.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(tense, quietly)**

Don’t ruin this for me.

 

**DEE**

**(quietly, smiling “casually”)**

Too late bud.

 

**DENNIS**

I swear to God you -  
  


**DEE**

So, Charlotte! How are you. I haven’t gotten to talk to you one on one.

  

**She smiles fakely at Charlotte.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Well I mean you’ve been busy it’s -

 

**MAC**

What’s your income?

 

**DENNIS**

Oh my god.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(taken aback)**

My income?

 

**DEE**

Charlotte, did you know Dennis can’t eat apples with the peel on?

 

**DENNIS**

**(agitated)**

That’s a normal thing to do! The peel has toxins! Don’t listen to her.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(really confused)**

Okay -

 

**MAC**

So you’re from Jersey huh?

 

**DEE**

Slept with me, Mac, and an old guy for a while. He talks in his sleep. About skin.

 

**DENNIS**

DEE!

 

**MAC**

How’d you find us? This “ancestry dot com” thing sounds like bullshit to me.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

It’s literally on TV, I-

 

**DEE**

He has a son. You really wanna be tied down to that?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

_Tied down??_

 

**MAC**

What are you up to, “Charlotte Kelly?”

 

**DENNIS**

Oh my God.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

That's not even my last name, I-

 

**DEE**

He cried when we went on Family Fight. Don’t get caught up by his charm, girl.

 

**DENNIS**

GODDAMMIT! SHUT _UP_ YOU BITCH!!

 

**Charlotte looks startled. Dee looks satisfied. Mac is still prattling on with questions.**

 

**MAC**

Previous job? Were you involved in something? ARE YOU SCAMMING US??

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What?? I was a secretary at a insurance company!

 

**Frank is entering the bar, snapping shut his burner. He is trailed by Charlie, who looks confused beyond all belief.**

 

**FRANK**

Where’s the broad, Charlie!

 

**CHARLIE**

She’s here, dude! She’s working for us now. Why are you being so cagey??

 

**Frank sees Charlotte. His eyes widen. Recognition sparkles in those beady, chaotic little troll eyes.**

 

**FRANK**

**(pointing at her with the phone)**

You!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

_Me?_

 

**FRANK**

Yes! You! Charlie girl!

 

**The chaos has calmed somewhat. Dennis still looks pissed, but now he and the rest of the gang join the Charlies in confusion.**

 

**Charlie takes a seat next to Dee, and Frank comes around the bar to get a better look at Charlotte.**

 

**FRANK**

**(adjusting his glasses, squinting)**

I knew it!!

 

**CHARLIE**

What?? You’ve been muttering about her for the past day and a half, dude!

 

**MAC**

She’s a fake, Charlie. She’s scamming us.

 

**Dennis rolls his eyes.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Shit, what??

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m not scamming you people! I needed a job!

 

**MAC**

**(pointing)**

She’s scamming us out of minimum wage!

 

**FRANK**

No, no, no, you idiots! She’s not scamming you! Shit.  


**DEE**

What are you talking about?

 

**FRANK**

Charlie, you told me she worked at Rencorp, right?

 

**CHARLIE**

Yes? Am I being scammed by my sister?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Charlie, I’m not scamming you! Oh my god!

 

**FRANK**

**(to Charlotte)**

What do you know about Rencorp?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What?? I - they went out of business! That’s why I needed a job. I was a secretary. Why do you care??

 

**Frank grabs her by the arms. He looks genuinely concerned.**

 

**FRANK**

How long did you work there?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(startled)**

Six years?

 

**DENNIS**

**(scoffing)**

You were a secretary for six years?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(still being held by the arms by Frank)**

Haven’t you owned a dive bar for 17 years?

 

**FRANK**

Pay attention! Don’t file for any more unemployment. Get your name out of the system!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What?

 

**FRANK**

Rencorp! It’s a front! Don’t file anything!

 

**DEE**

**(rolling her eyes)**

God, not this shit again.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

A front? Why can’t I get unemployment? I need money!

 

**FRANK**

You were never employed, you crazy broad!! All your taxes were going to me! You were working illegally! It was a laundering front!

 

**The gang doesn’t look at all surprised. Mac looks tired. Dennis looks bored. Dee’s eyes are rolling out her skull. Charlie looks like everything makes sense now.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(relieved)**

So that’s been what’s up with all the secret meetings and shit! I thought you replaced me, dude!

 

**FRANK**

**(to Charlie, sincerely)**

Charlie, I could never replace you.

**(to Charlotte, aggressive again)**

No unemployment! Do you hear me! We’re clearing out! Full liquidation! You get nothing!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(whispering, concerned)**

Do I owe back taxes?

 

**FRANK**

Who cares about the taxes! You cannot be a whistleblower, got it? We took care of everyone else, you were the loose end!

 

**MAC**

“Took care of?” Dude, are you going to kill her? That’s dark, man.

  


**FRANK**

No I’m not going to kill her you nimwit! I paid off everyone else!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

So you’re going to pay me off?

 

**FRANK**

What? No! You work for me now, right? You get a job, not money!

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh, that’s rough. We don’t pay minimum wage.

 

**FRANK**

Don’t admit that, you turkey! She could blow the whistle on that too!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Oh my god, I’m not going to blow the whistle on anyone! And let go of me!

**(pushes Frank away. She thinks a moment.)**

...Pay me $23 an hour and you’re safe.

 

**DENNIS**

23 AN HOUR?? I think not.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I looked it up! That’s a good paycheck for a starting bartender!

 

**MAC**

No way dude! You see how many customers we get? Not happening.

 

**DENNIS**

You’ll work off tips is what you’ll do, sister.

 

**DEE**

Hey if we’re negotiating paychecks, I want more. You all get shit from your shares. I want more.

 

**FRANK, DENNIS, MAC, & CHARLIE**

No!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

23 and you have a deal.

 

**Frank squints up at her. She drives a hard bargain.**

 

**FRANK**

15.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

20.

 

**FRANK**

...Done.

 

**DENNIS**

What! No, man. Not even a consultation?

 

**FRANK**

Wanna pay her 20 an hour?

 

**DENNIS**

No?!

 

**FRANK**

Consider yourself consulted.

 

**Dennis looks pissed, and the gang laughs at him.**

**Charlotte joins in after a moment, but there's an underlying awkwardness to her laugh. She has to wonder- _What has she gotten herself into?_**

 

**THE END**

 


End file.
